Why do I have to go back to work?

I am not the kind of dude who journals or blogs about the day's events or reflects upon my feelings. I write how I speak, so if she's a bit 'how's ya father' in parts, hear me out.

For context, I am the proud father of Ivy, a beautiful, now 14-week-old baby girl. Honestly, mate, I couldn't be happier or feel more complete. Today, I submit to you, the Dad-Dar community, the feelings I've experienced since returning to work.

I won't sugarcoat it: It fucking sucks. Having a newborn baby is bloody hectic, and having to leave my wife and little Ivy after just two weeks of parental leave wasn't easy. It's mental how fast time seems to go when you've got a newborn. The days blurred into weeks, and before I knew it, I was returning to work, fatigued as fuck and struggling to put a bloody sentence together, which also caused a bit of unessecassry social anxiety upon my return. I felt guilty. Really guilty. Raising a child takes an immense amount of teamwork, time and patience.

We created a false sense of reality in those first two weeks, totally unintentional, of course, as we were both bending over backwards trying to keep this little human alive. I reckon in those first few weeks, all parents experience moments like these, where you've just gotten the baby to sleep, and you turn to the misses and say, "mate, we're bloody nailing this, ay? She's sleeping, feeding, poopin' and peeing; we're all over it, not sure what the big deal is", until its time to leave for work.

There's not much for it; we've got to return to work to provide for our family, and that's what we do. It's an uncomfortable feeling leaving your wife and baby each morning, knowing you won't be there to help them if and when they need it. When Ivy was born, I didn't have the overwhelming feelings of love that others have described; I'm not a robot either; I just didn't have a connection right away; instead, I feel that my bond with my daughter grows stronger daily. This has been one of the hardest parts for me. Leaving my girls behind in the morning. The feeling hasn't dissipated over the weeks; if anything, it's becoming harder as Ivy gets older. I feel like I am missing out on my daughter growing up, I'm away twelve hours a day, five days a week, and that shit really tallies up quick.

Like I said earlier, there's not much for it; I have to go to work and provide for my family. I want to acknowledge that it isn't easy, and I'll potentially miss out on some of her milestone moments in life, her first words, and her first steps, and that breaks me. The silver lining in this blog is my newfound perspective on life. Having Ivy has been and will be my greatest achievement, and I am grateful to her and my beautiful, supportive wife, Dani. I think about them most on the road to work and how lucky and fortunate I am to have my family of three.