Sleep

I’ve started writing this at 4ish while balls to the wall tired to try and give some extra authenticity, so apologies for any side rants, the brain is not operating at its full right now…

This is the thing I’d say most new parents and soon to be parents are most worried about. Well that and keeping a tiny human alive. I know I was at least, terrified of what sleep deprivation would do to my mood, personality, and ability to be supportive to my wife. Any time we’ve ever snapped a little at each other has been because one of us (usually me) was exhausted!

It should be pointed out that while they’re fairly resilient babies have absolutely zero instinct for self protection, and are born with claws! Our gorgeous baby looked like Edward Scissor Hands after the first week, as she kept scratching her own face, her lovely auntie bought her mittens and a manicure kit, but we were a bit scared of the manicure kit to start with so used the mittens. And somehow even though she has no discernible dexterity manages to remove said gloves one handed! Try it sometime, it’s really difficult, so I’ve no idea how our daughter who hasn’t figured out how to clap yet can keep doing it! Anywho side rant over back to sleep!

It’s a valid thing to be worried about, this whole sleep malarkey, but something I’m learning is there is a huge difference between being mentally tired and physically. Obviously babies drain both pretty quick, but it’s the mental exhaustion that needs to be looked out for. We got to the 5 week point before I realised I was pretty broken and needed a reset, so we booked a night nurse, and I slept for 10 hours straight. The next night my wife offered to do a whole night shift as it was obvious I still needed restorative sleep. And wow, 2 nights of sleep and I’m a whole new man!! Still tired of course, that does go away instantly, but it’s purely physical, which is so much easier to carry!

I’m currently doing a full night shift to give my wife the same break, and my daughter decided to test out how long she could stay awake while at the same time seeing how much fluid she can expel from every orifice, from something that only weighs 4kg oh my days it was a lot! At one point she was peeing, pooing and vomming all at the same time, I completely ran out of hands, and need new PJs... So after an attempt at sleep at 10pm it’s now 5am and sleep has yet to emerge, but because I’d had that reset, it’s fine, hard sure, but totally doable, and because my mental sleep was restored I found the destruction of my PJs as just quite funny. I’m sure if it had had happened a previous night I’d have been in tears!

It’s all about seeing the physical and mental exhaustion in your partner and stepping in when you can see it getting too heavy. My wife, who I’ve mentioned before is amazing, stepped in last night. She saw that it was 5am and I hadn’t slept yet, and even though it was her night to sleep, took our daughter knowing from her own experience that if our daughter woke up again it would be hit my mental exhaustion button and break me (and that darling daughter did awake with a squeal 1 hour and 15 minutes later, bless her!)

Now I’m extraordinarily lucky and have a very long pat leave, so my wife and I have been able to split the responsibilities pretty 50/50 - I mean I don’t have boobs, or at least I don’t have useful ones, so a lot of the feeding and soothing falls down to her. But for the most part we’ve been able to split the night shifts equally.

I know I’m in a minority and most companies don’t really recognise paternity leave beyond the 5 days so for a lot of guys you’re burning the candle at both ends, helping your partner at night, dragging yourself to work, coming home exhausted before having to support your wife who’s likely not had the easiest of days - there’s no doubt it’s rough and can feel like there’s no end in sight.

We’ve been trialing and testing out a load of different rotas and shift schedules, here’s a few:

One night on, one night off: clearly comes with its challenges and advantages. I had shifts where our daughter was an angel, and ones where she’s a nightmare. When she’s a nightmare it does leave you completely broken, so I wouldn’t advise this option until you’ve got that little miracle sleeping through a bit more regularly.

10pm - 4am, 4am - 10am: the advantage here is both of you get the opportunity to have 6 hours sleep. But is dependent on no one needing to go to work until 10am. Also again if your little human decides to need something every hour it can be gruelling!

11pm - 2am, 2am-4am, 4am - 7am: shorter shifts means there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, if you’re having a mare 3 hours is survivable. Cons you’re awake more times a night so it’s more broken sleep.

Long story short, nope sorry we haven’t as yet found the perfect option that gives both parents a good night sleep. But I think our favourite is the last one, a more broken night but wake up feeling better rested! Also worth noting that this is the 6 week point, and our daughter decides she needs different things every week!

So my big bit of advice having been a father for 6 weeks now I clearly know everything… watch out for the mental exhaustion! If you can see your partner flagging and if you’ve got anything left in the tank, give them the option to sleep all night, if you can book a night nurse so you can both turn off, it doesn’t make you a bad parent, sometimes the reset is all you need to see the world through the glorious new born rose tinted glasses again!