Love

Love. This is one that’s been going round my head since I met my daughter 6 weeks ago.

I was never worried if I would love my daughter, I am incredibly lucky to live in an abundance of love, and so I was expecting the feeling I have for my daughter to be somewhat familiar. 

I was wrong! 

Not about loving my daughter, while slightly sleep deprived I snapped at my wife’s aunt for suggesting that there were many babies in the world and ours wasn’t special - that’s not what she said FYI but it’s what I heard and prompted my wife to suggest I find my more charming side. So I know that I felt pretty strongly about my little girl. 

But I was wrong about the feeling being familiar. It just isn’t anything like anything I’ve ever experienced. I can imagine for a lot of guys this can be a bit panicky, being something completely new and different can make you feel less than you really do, that thought has crossed my mind a couple of times very fleetingly, and is usually brought on by sleep deprivation and a screaming baby. 

I was very lucky with bonding, I know for some this can take some time, for me  it was on night two in the hospital. My wife really needed some sleep (selfish really), so we put our daughter on my chest and we did proper skin to skin for the first time for a whole night. I didn’t sleep a wink, partially because I was terrified I would roll over and squash this fragile thing, but mostly because I was just in awe. 

That’s when I first felt it, this indescribable, intangible feeling and while I can’t put it into words I know that I would do anything for this little girl. 

I had a similar feeling for my goddaughter. When she was 4 the next door kid would play a mean trick on her, by saying let’s go play, and when she was all excited ran away. Seeing my goddaughter distraught by this, my first urge was go and kick that kid, who was also 4 so perhaps not a great reaction. At this stage I want it on the record that I didn’t go kick the 4 year old. 

Now it had been my own daughter I can say with 100% surety that 4 year old would have got a kicking! Neighbours be warned, teach your kids to be nice to my daughter! 

I think the problem is our language, we’ve got this one word that covers so so much. 

I love my wife

I love my parents

I love my home

I love my job (that’s a recent love!) 

I love sausages

I love dumplings (I won’t list the different Chinese foods I love, there isn’t enough time in the day)

But this is the challenge, trying to fit this new feeling into a word that already is stretched is too difficult, which is why so many parents and especially dads worry that they don’t feel it. 

All I’m saying is you do, it may take a day, a week, even a month, but bare with it and you will bond, you will love and you will kick 4 year olds for being mean to your child!