5 years on

A good friend of mine asked me if I’d write a blog about being a new dad. I should caveat that it’s been almost 5 years since I became a dad and it really is amazing what we forget.

My wife and I had twins via C Section on February the 17th 2020. Leonie and Josie were without a doubt the single biggest influence on my life but at the time I don’t think I understood what it meant even though I knew from day one I loved them unconditionally. For what it’s worth I know lots of parents who took a few weeks or even months to really bond with their kids. They are all amazing parents but having a child is a shock to the system and it can be strange how people react. If it takes you more than a day to feel unconditional love that’s very normal.

An important thing to remember in the immediate aftermath is that whilst it’s an emotional rollercoaster for dads, it’s a major medical procedure (even with a natural birth) for women. Hormones are going insane. Your job is to support not to persuade. Help them be the main decision maker as best as you can. That doesn’t mean you aren’t equal as parents - but given that milk isn’t going to come pouring out of your tits and you’re not going to need to recover physically, those first few days have to be led by your partner.

When you first become a dad, if you’re anything like me, you’ll obsess over things that in 6 months you won’t give a shit about. Are they gaining enough weight? Are they pooing enough? Does the car seat you bought offer sufficient support in the event your car has a crash at 73 miles per hour with a Massey Fergusson tractor? (It doesn’t by the way - probably don’t think about that right now though). Worrying shows you care. There’s no point trying not to - it’s part of the experience. Remember at this stage though the odds are massively in your favour - a baby has less than a 0.5% chance of not making it to their 1st birthday. And if born healthy the odds of anything going wrong are significantly smaller than that.

Another thing I remember from the first few months is that we’d bought loads of shit that we planned to use. State of the art baby monitors, a pram that cost more that a car, shit loads of clothes that looked great but had tiny complex buttons. We barely used any of them. Roll with what your baby throws at you and don’t try to rigidly follow things you see on Instagram or that you had an idea of doing. Do what’s easy and what works for you. If that means a cheaper off road pram that can be used whilst you walk the dog then do that.w

One of the big advantages I’ve come to see from being a twin dad, was having to do everything (weird but hear me out). From feeding to putting to bed I’ve always had to because one person can’t look after two babies well on their own. I know from singleton dad friends sometimes they’ve struggled during early years. I have a friend whose husband still can’t put the kid to bed and he’s nearly 3 now. He felt the baby hadn’t bonded with him as he never bottle fed and he never forced the issue as the toddler always asked for mum and screamed without her. I know it’s hard but don’t get in that position - keep fighting for 1:1 time even if your baby mostly breast feeds. In 6 months weaning will begin - why not read a book (not Joe Wicks the smug prick - he’s got enough money) about the process and look into some easy first meals? Take some of the ‘mental prep workload’ away from your partner where you can. Prep for milestones 6 months early. Potty training at 2? Read a book at 18 months.

You’ll figure how you’re going to be as a dad in no time. And if you’re anything like my friend you’ll be amazing. Wing it. Everyone does - ultimately all you really need to succeed is to be patient and to be present.